Welcome to episode 3 of The Bachelorette! We start this week’s eppie off with the guys hanging out the morning after Rose Ceremony. David—who for some reason is making enough scrambled eggs to feed a small cafeteria of school children—is still bitter about Jordan taking his clothes off during the Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony and literally will not stop talking about the dude in his ITMs.
Then Chris Harrison walks in to chat with the guys. He says he’s noticed that the relationships with Becca have gotten serious in the last week, and I feel like you’re lying Chris Harrison because you’re defs not around enough to notice something like that.
After making a quick little “time is of the essence” speech that he probs ripped off from a previous season, Chris gives the guys the first Group Date card, which is for Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc and Colton. Can’t wait to see how awkward things are going to be between Colton and Tia (we know from last week’s preview that she’s a guest on today’s date).
While the guys make their way to the Group Date, Becca has a sweet little reunion at a spa with her best girls from Arie’s season—Kendall, Sienne, Caroline, Bekah M and Tia—who will be joining her on the date. This is gonna be gooood.
The guys arrive at the spa, where they will be pampering Becca and the girls, and things are immediately awkward for Colton and Tia.
Actual footage of Colton five seconds before and five seconds after seeing Tia:
After we get a few awkward shots of Colton and Tia looking at each other from across the room, Becca starts introducing the guys to the girls and as she’s going down the line she friggin’ forgets Jason’s name! L-O-L. Sucks to be Jason.
The guys start pampering the girls with back rubs and nail painting and then Becca sneakily pulls Tia aside to get more deets on the whole Colton sitch. Tia tells her that they had never established what they were but that it’s definitely a possibility he thought Tia was going to be Bachelorette when he applied (awks). Then they hug it out.
Becca says goodbye to the girls and now it’s time for the evening portion of the date!
Right off the bat, Jean Blanc pulls Becca away while she’s mid-sentence with all the guys. He’s actually v. smooth with his words which I’m sincerely shocked by because that’s just not something you expect from a “cologne connoisseur” who says things like this:
Becca then starts chatting with Jason and says in her ITM that she really likes him. Umm, did you not *just* forget his name a few hours ago?
Regardless of the whole name mishap, Becca does genuinely seem to like him. They have a pretty good kiss and Jason is officially on our radar. Don’t worry boo, we won’t forget your name.
While Becca and Jason are busy locking lips, the guys are in the other room talking about—dare I say it—Tinder. *EYE-FREAKING-ROLL*
Jordan starts bragging about the 4,000 matches he got in 2017 (ew) and that his “swipe percentage” (ew x 2) is 100 percent, which urges David—who literally said the words “I’m not one to throw people under the bus”—to go and tell Becca. Hands up if you hate David.
Becca handles the situation like a freaking boss as she casually strolls past Jordan and says: “Hey Jordan, 4,000 matches? High five bud that’s a good streak.” Bow down to our new queen.
Jordan obvi freaks out on David and calls him a bitch multiple times. Then he pulls Becca aside for some 1-on-1 time, where he makes himself sound even worse.
Jordan to Becca: I know it’s hard with me, being a model
Becca: How are you in a relationship?
Jordan: I’ll literally do everything. I’ll cook, I’ll clean. I’m a golden retriever
Jordan says a few more stupid things and then ends his chat by telling Becca that she is someTHING he can see himself next to. EW X THREE.
After Jordan’s time with Becca, David continues to egg him on by being the literal biggest d-bag of all time. He might make me cringe like 30 times per episode, but I’m totally #TeamJordan because David sucks. See the below recap of their argument for proof:
David to Jordan: I ended it once and for all this evening
Jordan: You need to have a drink, chill out and stop talking to me (fair)
David: Let’s go back to your 4,000 matches … it’s going to boost your modelling career
Jordan: *Stares at David in silence*
David: What’s the look that I’m getting from you right now? Is this the pensive look? Is this the Clint Eastwood? I’m not sure
Jordan: If you’re trying to tear down my image you’re failing at it. Because guess what, attached to me is professionality, is my face, it’s in everything I do – it’s the way I walk and the way I talk. So if you want to wreck my image, you’ll never succeed. You want to know why? Because my image is me.
After David and Jordan’s cringe-worthy fight, Becca pulls Colton aside to address the Tia thing. They clear everything up, Colton says he’s defs here for her, and she ends up giving him the Date Rose. Yay Colton’s a frontrunner again!
Moving on to Chris’s 1-on-1 date with Becca and (a GRAMMY winning song writer from the ’90s who Chris deffo had never heard of before). Richard tells Becca and Chris that they have to write their own love songs and then, after Chris has a little breakdown because he has a hard time being vulnerable, they have to read them aloud to each other.
Actual lyrics from Becca’s song: Chris, you brought out my smile on this rainy day and tonight I want to hear more of what you have to say. When I first met you, you were humming behind me, but from here on out I want you singing beside me.
Both Chris AND Richard tell Becca her song was good, which like, c’mon guys that was obvi a lie.
Chris reads his song to Becca (which actually wasn’t as bad) and then Richard plays Becca’s song on the guitar while her and Chris just awkwardly make out in front of him.
Probably Richard Marx whilst singing for Becca and Chris: My agent is *so* fired
Moving on to the evening portion of their date, Chris opens up to Becca about why it’s hard for him to be vulnerable (his dad abandoned him when he was a child), she ends up giving him the Date Rose and then they dance and kiss some more while Richard plays more music. Shitty day for Richard.
While Becca and Chris are gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, we jump back to a supes confusing scene at the Bachelor Mansion of a bloody David being carried away on a stretcher and Lincoln saying in his ITM “none of us knew if he was going to make it … pls don’t die.” Umm, WTF JUST HAPPENED?
The next morning the guys are reminiscing about what happened to David (we still have no idea) and Colton’s like “it looked like he got attacked by a bear.” Another guy, who’s name I don’t even know, says “it’s bananas.”
We then see Chris Harrison head over to Becca’s suite, where he FINALLY lets her (and more importantly, us) know what went down.
Chris Harrison to Becca: There was an incident last night, one of the guys was rushed to the hospital and he’s in intensive care
Becca: Who is it?
Chris: David, he has a busted nose, a busted face
Becca *possibly fake crying?*: Omg! Who did that?
Everyone watching: *sits on the edge of their seats waiting to find out who beat up David*
Chris: He fell out of bed and landed on his face
After learning that David literally fell out of bed and broke his face (still laughing), Becca calls him and he lets her know he’s not going anywhere and will be back soon.
Annddd now it’s time for the second Group Date of the episode, which I’m going to go through quickly because it was HELLA boring.
Becca brings Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Eric, Mike, Lincoln, Connor and Blake (*heart-eye emoji*) on a football date. They end up playing a game against each other and Clay—the professional football player—injures his wrist. He ends up getting taken away in an ambulance, which seems a little dramatic for a wrist but whatevs.
Moving on to Part 2 of the Group Date, Becca has a nice moment with Garrett (ugh) and then spends some time with Blake—who calls Becca his girlfriend. While it might seem a bit early for that, Blake can do no wrong in my eyes so I’m going to leave it alone. Plus Becca loved it.
After Becca and Blake seal their DTR chat with a kiss, Clay returns from the hospital and says he has to wait until the morning to find out if he needs surgery. Clay’s going to get SRSLY roasted by his teammates when he tells them he got injured playing football on The Bachelorette. But at least he got the Date Rose.
Cocktail Party time! Clay finds out he needs to get surgery on his wrist or else he probs won’t be able to play football anymore, so the entire evening basically revolves around him deciding whether or not he should stay for Becca or leave for his own wellbeing. Dude, LEAVE.
Clay thankfully makes the right decision and tells Becca he needs to leave the show and get his wrist fixed.
Clay and Becca say their goodbyes and then, just when we think Rose Ceremony is about the start, the episode ends.
Guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see who’s going home/to see what David’s face looks like after falling out of bed. Again, still laughing.