Welcome back my lovely GIF recap readers! Who’s ready for another season of The Bachelor?
Before we do anything, let’s take a quick sec to hope and pray that Arie’s season will be 110 times better than Nick’s, shall we?
OK good now let’s get started! We start last night’s premiere ep off with a v. painful and super awks flashback of Arie getting his heart broken on Emily Maynard’s season. Which is good because it’s been awhile and I’ve forgotten everything.
Question: why is Arie’s hair THE EXACT same as it was five years ago?
Arie’s hair five years ago:
Arie’s hair now:
After being caught up on his time on The Bachelorette—and being reminded that he left a love journal on Emily’s doorstep after the show that she NEVER read (rude)—we get a peek at where Arie’s at now. And I’m already v. confused because is he a race car driver or a realtor?
Moving on to probs the best part of the episode, Sean and Catherine Lowe stop by—with their freaking adorbs baby—to give Arie some sound advice and I literally didn’t hear a word they said because I was staring at their perfect son Samuel the entire time like:
Now that we’ve seen Arie drive a couple different cars and walk down a few streets with his racing helmet by his side (I’m already over this whole race car thing) it’s time to meet the women!
We get a couple intro vids before Night One begins, where we meet single mom Chelsea—who, is it just me or does she remind you of the crazy girl from 22 Jump Street?
We also meet a realtor who wears club dresses to show houses, a photographer who reminds me of Lauren B., who terrifies me, and a girl from Weiner, Arkansas (yes, this is a real place) who is a total Raven wannabe.
OK time for Night One! I’m not going to get super detailed with the limo entrances—because, let’s be honest they were a total snooze fest. But of course there were a few ‘Arie’s a racecar driver so I’m going to show up in a car’ gimmicks that made my eyes roll to the back of my head:
And one v. unfortch “little wiener” joke from the Raven lookalike.
But the winning entrance of the night, for me, was Annalise—who dressed up as the Kissing Bandit, glittery masquerade mask and all.
Honestly, Arie’s voice is so monotone and boring that this montage of Ross from Friends p. much sums up how he responded to every limo entrance:
Moving on to Part 2 of the night—a.k.a. the part where all the girls get mad at each other for stealing time with Arie like they’ve never seen the freaking show before.
Chelsea—a.k.a. the single mom, a.k.a. the 22 Jump Street lookalike—obv steals Arie away first, and I’m getting serious villain vibes from her.
While telling Arie she just finished writing her realtor test—ugh, copy cat—Chelsea gets interrupted mid-sentence by the photographer girl (whose name I do not remember yet) who drove the racecar during limo entrances.
Chelsea is obv v. pissed and when all the other girls ask who interrupted her, she said “the one who makes all the noise.” Yep, Chelsea is this season’s villain.
Fast-forwarding to the first kiss of the night, which literally looked like two 9th graders kissing for the first time at the high school dance. Arie I thought you were the “kissing bandit?” That kiss was v. lame and I am unimpressed.
However, the girl who kissed him (Brittany T.) *did* say his lips were like clouds. So maybe there’s potential for kisses like this in the future:
Arie continues talking to the women one by one, without making any real connections. UNTIL the Kissing Bandit steals him away and he finally gets to remove her mask. They didn’t kiss, but Arie *did* seem pretty into her and they had an actual real conversation which was a breath of fresh air. Calling it now, she’s going to make it far.
Back inside the mansion, Chris Harrison pops by with the good ol’ First Impression Rose and Chelsea starts freaking out because she feels she didn’t get enough time with Arie during their first convo. So, she decides to steal him away from another girl who hadn’t had gotten any time with him yet. Classic villain move.
Chelsea and Arie talk for like two seconds and then start making out Bryan-and-Rachel Lindsay-style—which, IMO was way too early based on the v. surface-level conversations they’ve had—and I literally want to throw up everywhere.
But alas, it got her the First Impression Rose so I guess Arie was into it. Ugh.
Moving on to Bekah M., the girl who drove up in the vintage car during limo entrances. She starts talking shit about Chelsea for stealing him away twice (they’re defs going to be ones feuding this season) and then has the literal worst conversation with Arie:
Bekah M. to Arie: What are three things that excite you about life?
Arie: Excitement and pizza
OK, moving on to Rose Ceremony, because every other conversation was boring AF and not even worth mentioning. Arie gives a rose to the realtor with the inappropriate wardrobe, the taxidermy collector, Bekah M., the first girl he kissed, and a bunch of other girls who I do not remember. He left the photographer’s rose until last, and then while accepting her rose she goes, “Why did you do that to me?” Rude.
And that’s a wrap for the first episode! See you back here next week for the first 1-on-1 and some dramz-filled Group Dates. And here’s to me hopefully remembering everyone’s names by then!
Watch The Bachelor Mondays at . Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recaps and more!