Welcome back to Week 2 of Not Peter, *tear*
We start off this episode of cringe-worthy kisses with Arie riding up to the Bachelor mansion on a motorcycle to whisk Becca K. off for her first 1-on-1. And all I can think is, Wait, who TF is Becca K.?
Arie strolls into the Bachelor Mansion all cool in his leather moto jacket, holding his helmet by his side and all the girls start drooling . But how can they *not* notice that his concealer is like three different shades? Dude needs to fire his makeup guy pronto.
Anyway, Arie and Becca ride away together on his motorcycle for their 1-on-1 and all the girls are sooo jealous (as if chilling in the Bachelor Mansion sipping on mimosas all day isn’t a *way* better option).
They ride around the open roads of L.A. for like, five mins and then just when you think they’re going to have a chill picnic in a field or something, Arie takes Becca to a mansion where he straight-up her. Inside the mansion awaits a massive feast of lobster, delectable cheeses and a chocolate fountain (which seems like a waste of food for just two people but idk). Then, clothing designer Rachel Zoe shows up with a rack of clothes for Becca to try on while Arie sits on the couch eating cheese.
Actual footage of Arie while Becca gets styled by Rachel Zoe:
After Becca tries on all the dresses (and keeps a bangin’ silver number) Arie takes her outside to gift her with a pair of jacked-up Louboutins (and later, some $$$ Neil Lane earrings). Then they make out while drinking champagne (because how could she *not* make out with him after he gave her like $50K worth of presents) and Becca says Arie has “pillow lips” but I am not convinced.
Moving on to the evening portion of their date, they talk about how close they both are with their families while I try not to fall asleep, and then kiss some more. On a scale from 1 (cringe-worthy) to 10, their makeout sesh was only like a 4, but I promise it gets so, so much worse.
Moving on to the next date which is ANOTHER 1-on-1 (ugh I need some Group Date dramz in my liiffeeee), Arie takes Krystal to his hometown in Arizona to show the girl he’s known less than 24 hours what married life with him would look like.
Also, every time Krystal talks I want to do this:
Arie takes Krystal to his old high school, the glamorous Pizza Hut he used to work at and then—wait for it—he brings her to his house to watch old home videos, which I never knew I needed until right now. And after gracing us with videos of him as the *most* embarrassing child, Arie takes Krystal home to his parents (with literally no warning) which actually goes shockingly well.
Fast-forward to their dinner date, where Krystal tells Arie all about her tough family sitch (to recap: her parents got divorced when she was little, her mom was never around, and she has a brother who lives on the street) and Arie actually responded to the story v. well and maturely. Point: Arie.
Before ending their date, Arie takes Krystal to an empty concert hall where some rando musician—who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page!! (c’mon ABC, do better)—plays them a crappy song.
OK, moving on to the first Group Date (finally!) Making up one of the largest Group Dates in Bachelor history, 15 of the girls arrive and find out they’re going to be participating in a race car derby—which they’re all super excited about, minus Annaliese who is bawling in the corner because of some serious “bumper car trauma” she had when she was little. Um, question: What is “bumper car trauma”?
After some comforting cuddles from Arie, Annaliese feels better about her childhood PTSD and decides to face her fears and do it anyway. Side note: I’m a tad disappointed because Annaliese was my fave from Night One and I wasn’t expecting her to be the one crying over a fear of bumper cars.
After Chris Harrison throws Arie some low-key shade about never winning a race (love you, Chris Harrison), the demolition derby begins and alas, Arie the profesh race car driver lasts all of five mins. Leave it to Arie to suck at his own game.
Sienne wins the competition and unfortunately is forced to drink some warm milk out of a dusty trophy. Serious q: I wonder if almond milk was an option?
Fast forward to the evening portion of the date, Chelsea pulls Arie away first (as she does) and decides it’s time to tell him that she has a kid. The conversation actually goes v. well and Arie gives her some reassuring words followed by a gross kiss.
Sienne (the winner of the derby) steals Arie away next and proceeds to literally blow him out of the water by telling him she went to Yale.
Sienne to Arie: I went to Yale, and then studied abroad in Italy and Brazil
Arie in his ITM: Sienne is worldly, and she went to Yale…I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut
One by one the girls steal Arie away, until Bibiana remains one of the few girls who hasn’t talked to him and she. is. pisssssed.
Bibiana sitting on the couch pouting like a 12-year-old: I’m done. It’s the end of the night, do you think I want to talk to him like this? My patience has been [sic] trialled.
Analiese: Can someone hug her?
Bibiana: No one f-cking touch me *storms off*
Meanwhile, Bekah and Arie start hardcore macking during their 1-on-1 time and the cringe factor escalates from manageable to I-want-to-stab-my-eyeballs-with-a-fork. They literally kiss for like five mins (but it felt WAY LONGER for the folks at home) while a softcore porn soundtrack plays in the background. Ummm, is this approps for cable television?
As the date comes to an end, Arie gathers the girls around to give out the Date Rose and basically pulls the rug right out from under Chelsea.
Arie: Chelsea, you really opened up to me tonight which was really special to me
Also Arie: Sienne, will you accept this rose?
Time for the Cocktail Party! Which features another cringe-worthy face-eating kiss between Arie and Bekah. Ugh.
Krystal and Bibiani are the focus of the evening. Krystal (who went on a 1-on-1 date this week and already has a rose) keeps stealing Arie away and decides it’s a good idea to interrupt Bibiana’s time with Arie—which, obv does *not* go over well.
Krystal to Bibiani after interrupting her time with Arie: I just wanted to make sure you had time
Bibiani: When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone, then I can actually respect you…
Bibiani then proceeds to rip Krystal a literal new one by telling her that she just dug herself a hole and that no one will respect her time from here on out, and then mic drops herself right out of the conversation. (She literally said “and mic drop” and walked away).
Moving on to the Rose Ceremony, Arie sends three girls home (who I don’t think were even in the episode) and one girl gets suuuper pissed—but not because of Arie, because she doesn’t want to “leave her new friends” which just confirms my thoughts that Arie sucks.
And that’s a wrap for this week! See you back here next week for lots and lots of tears and more Bibiana vs. Krystal dramz.
Watch The Bachelor Mondays at . Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recaps and more!