This week’s episode of Bachelor Canada—opens up with a narration from Brittany M., who starts talking about the tension in the house, and how she doesn’t really care about it because it’s a competition and she only cares about herself.
Brittany in her opening narration: I have to focus on myself or else I will never get out of here alive, EVER.
Us: That seems a little extreme but OK.
Also us: Why does Brittany get to narrate the opening scene? Shouldn’t that be a job for, like, idk, Chris?
After Brittany M. *finally* stops talking, Meghan brings something to our attention that legit had us rolling our eyes so much it was probs bad for our health.
APPARENTLY, Brittany “I’m not here to make friends” M. told Meghan a few days ago that she is simple, unintelligent and that no one likes her—not even Chris. Ummmm, Brittany, to paraphrase the great Kelly Kapoor: We have a lot of questions, number one … HOW DARE YOU.
After learning that Brittany squashed poor Meghan’s confidence right into the ground (ugh, still not over it), Kait finds the first Date Card, and as she opens it, Brittany M. starts daydreaming about her and Chris’s future together.
Brittany in her ITM: Chris could be proposing to me in less than a month, and it’s not a ‘what if?’ anymore, it’s a ‘when?’
Kait reads the Date Card out loud and of course, Brittany M. and Meghan’s names are both on it. Hmmmm, coincidence? I think not.
Brittany, Meghan, Stacy and Jessie show up to the Group Date; where they find out they’ll be learning a dance routine and—surprise!—performing it in front of a crowd. As per usual, Brittany M. does THE MOST and is just so extra the entire time. Girl even had emergency dance shoes in her bag…like, what?
Meghan, on the other hand, is feeling v. insecure and awkward about her dance moves (as would we) and after asking her if she’s doing OK, Chris proceeds to give Meghan the world’s shittiest advice ever—to “just chill” and take a step back if she gets nervous. Chris, pls don’t ever become a professional advice giver.
The girls perform their dances for Chris, and while it went pretty horribly for all of them, in a v. satisfying turn of events Brittany’s dance was by far the most awkward. The intense eye she kept making with Chris—who admitted he felt uncomfortable by it all—also didn’t help. TBH, if the person we were dating made the same faces Brittany was making during her dance, we’d be scared too.
Back at the resort, Lyndsey finds the next Date Card—a 1-on-1 for Mikaela—so basically everyone that matters has gotten a 1-on-1 now. (If you haven’t been paying attention, that’s Lyndsey, Catie and Mikaela).
Moving on to the evening portion of the Group Date, Jessie steals Chris away first; leaving Meghan and Stacy alone with Brittany. And since Brittany clearly has social issues and can’t just sit there having a polite conversation, she starts picking on Stacy for never getting a Date Rose.
Brittany M. in the fakest voice ever heard on reality television: Ohhhh look what’s on the taaaable. You haven’t gotten a date rose Staaacy. It’d be nice to go into that Rose Ceremonyyy with a rooose.
Us: *drinking heavily*
Stacy, who responds with a dry “ya wonder what it feels like?” decides to remove herself from this narrative and go talk to Chris—leaving poor Megs alone with her bully. But after having E-NOUGH of Brittany’s fake-ass BS, Meghan *finally* stands up for herself and calls Brittany out.
Mid-catfight, Jessie comes back from her time with Chris and starts standing up for Meghan, who is now crying because she’s so frustrated with Brittany’s friggin’ condescension. Honestly every time Brittany talks I want to flip a table. She’s SO MEAN.
Brittany M. being the most condescending to Meghan: You remind me so much of myself when I was younger.
Jessie then just straight-up asks Brittany why she’s here—since we’re all p. sure it’s *not* for THE RIGHT REASONS—and instead of responding, Brittany just gets up and walks away. K bye.
After being caught up on the sitch by Meghan, Jessie and Stacy; Chris decides he should go talk to Brittany and find out if she’s actually here for him. They resolve absolutely nothing during their convo and Chris is legitimately torn over whether or not he wants Brittany to stay or leave. So Brittany—THE GIRL WHO LITERALLY 8 HOURS AGO WANTED TO MARRY CHRIS—makes the decision for him and decides to go home because “this isn’t true love.” Halle-freaking-lujah! The tables are safe now.
Brittany gets in a car and leaves (I’m pretty sure without saying goodbye to Chris?) and the next morning the girls who were on the Group Date brief the rest of the ladies on Brittany’s exit, or what Meghan calls “a monkey off her shoulders.” Everyone—including us—is v. pleased.
Side note: “That’s such a monkey off my shoulders” is my new offish catchphrase for whenever I’m relieved.
Now that we’re forever done with Brittany M.’s annoyingggg storyline, it’s time for Mikaela’s 1-on-1! She shows up to her date literally sprinting into Chris’s arms and both of them are such smitten kittens. It’s v. cute.
Chris tells Mikaela that they’re gonna take a casual stroll through the streets of Puerto Plata and UGH they’re just sooo obsessed with each other, I can’t. They spend the entire day just kissing and being all over each other (in a cute, not gross way) and they are the literal definition of being in the Honeymoon Phase. We’re not jealous, *you’re* jealous.
Meanwhile, back at the resort the girls find a spread of chocolate and wine along with a cute “I hope these sweets brighten your day” note from Chris and they all literally melt into the floor after reading it. K Chris, that was cute. Not gonna lie.
Jumping to the evening portion of Mikaela’s date now, she and Chris sit down for dinner (but I’m pretty sure it’s just banana bread on their plates…?) and they continue being the cutest ever. Mikaela is clearly head-over-heels for Chris, and the feelings are defs mutual—you can just tell by the way he looks at her. By the end of the night, Mikaela tells Chris she’s falling in love with him and we’re calling it now: she’s in the final two.
And now for the final Group Date of the week—which, according to the Date Card, is all about learning the art of seduction. Get it, Chris.
Kait, Lyndsey and Catie are on the date; and they’re told to make a concoction of fruits and other aphrodisiacs that they can seduce Chris with. I repeat what I said last week about Chris and Brittany’s heated make-out session: are we still watching the right show?
Catie, who’s been sporting some crazy eyes as of late, makes Chris eat some cacao and then drips hot wax on his chest—which he doesn’t seem to enjoy. He says she makes teaching fun and sexy but their moment is nothing close to his and Lyndsey’s v. v. v. intimate moment.
Up next is Kait. She walks up to Chris and just immediately takes her dress off, starts massaging him, and then, when he starts making out with her, casually slips away. She was obv trying to do the whole “leave him wanting more” thing but Chris was probs too busy thinking about Lyndsey to notice.
Moving on to the evening portion of the date, Chris is starting to spiral a bit. He’s getting freaked out that such strong feelings are happening so fast—the literal premise of the show—and is a little overwhelmed. So he opens up to Lyndsey about it a bit and she tells him that her heart is his if he wants it. But then he gives the Date Rose to Kait? So we’re confused.
Time for Cocktail Party! Right off the bat, Chris tells the girls that he struggles with opening up but has just realized that he can’t be that way anymore. He has a great talk with Mikaela about their feelings for each other and then Catie—who has seemed to be drunk at the last two Rose Ceremonies—steals Chris away. She talks and talks and talks and talks and her crazy eyes and over-enthusiasm are starting to give us Isla Fisher from Wedding Crasher vibes.
Chris finally interrupts her to ask her if she is always this intense and she legit says “no my friends would be like Catie’s the most chill”…
OK, fast-forward to Rose Ceremony, Chris sends Meghan home—as he should have, it would’ve been mean to keep her around any longer at this point—and they have a very heartfelt goodbye. Don’t you worry Meghan, you’ll find a man who will treat you like a queen!
And if you ever doubt yourself just remember:
And that’s a wrap for this week! See you back here next week, where—according to the previews—half the girls will be going home!
Watch The Bachelor Canada Wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. EST on W Network. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recaps and more!